I know its been a while since my last post.
A lot has happened over the past 8 months! Where do I begin?
We celebrated our beautiful Lachlan’s 1st Birthday and Angelversary, it was a beautiful day and although I was dreading it at first, when the day came I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace. The rumours were true! The lead up can often be far worse than the actual day.
I must confess that I was holding onto a secret that day. I had discovered I was pregnant. My beautiful little angel had sent mummy and daddy an early birthday present, even though we were supposed to give him a present as it was his birthday!
Our painful journey of Trying to Conceive appeared to be at an end, but really it was just the beginning of another journey to get through.
Its funny, the minute you see those lovely lines on your pregnancy test you are supposed to feel an overwhelming happiness and joy. Unfortunately, as an angel mum to a beautiful son and having experienced a devastating miscarriage, those lines didn’t make me feel the way I felt I should. I felt fear and an overwhelming feeling of “please let this one be ok, PLEASE!”.
I was so upset when I ended up in hospital at 4 weeks pregnant with pancreatitus. I had a dreadful ear infection, presented to some after hours doctor who couldn’t care less and who told me that despite me being severely allergic to codeine it was my only option of painkiller. I was in so much pain that I took the damn pills and ended up in the hospital within the hour. I’m still hopping mad at that insensitive cretin of a doctor! There were plenty of other pain options, he was just in a hurry to end his shift!
Lying in the hospital for 2 days on morphine I really thought that there was no way this little life inside me would survive this. I was assured otherwise but I was petrified.
I also discovered that I had developed early onset Gestational Diabetes and would have to be monitored very closely by my endocrinologist, but I was absolutely fine with this. I have had to watch my diet and have daily injections and blood monitoring but I have lost weight and am very healthy so thats been a positive of this.
The next week was spent getting multiple blood tests to keep me assured that my HCG levels were ok and rising, because my previous miscarriage had seriously dented my confidence. The only bad thing about this was that there was a test I had done on a friday that I didn’t get results for until monday and one of my doctors misread the date thinking it was done that day instead of the previous friday. I was told my levels were really low and that I may have another miscarriage. I spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch sobbing until my mum begged me to call my ob and get another test. Luckily he was lovely and ordered another urgent test and of course all the results were fantastic! It was a harrowing day.
Then I got a slip from my ob so I could go and get a dating scan at 5wks 5days.
I sat in that waiting room shaking and burst into tears while my mum and hubby held my hand. The last time a had a scan I was told that my little speck wasn’t viable, so I was understandably petrified about repeating the same experience.
Luckily, the sonographer was lovely and in about 5 minutes I was crying because my little Tadpole had a beautiful little flicker of a heartbeat on the screen! What a beautiful miracle!
I spent the next 7 weeks having weekly scans at my ob’s office because I was just so on edge. Luckily he was very understanding and reassuring throughout this time. Every week was a journey of pure hell, hoping that I would still see a lovely little life in there thriving each week. I was plagued by the fear of turning up and being told my little Tadpole was no more. Thankfully this didn’t occur, but the fear was debilitating in my everyday life.
Finally came the day (around 12 wks pregnant) when I could find my Taddy’s heartbeat on the doppler at home! This was the most amazing thing ever and I was so relieved that I could now gain reassurance at home whenever I needed it. My scans weren’t as scary anymore as I knew I was walking in there with a baby that had a heartbeat. Anyone who says dopplers cause mothers more worry has no idea what they are talking about, let me tell you!
I got through the 13 wk nuchal scan and was relieved that so far our little Tadpole looked healthy and happy. But it was always in the back of my mind that Lachlan did too, so the reassurance was often short-lived.
So now I graduated to fortnightly visits with my ob. I felt comfortable doing that and I was not nearly as on edge as I had been.
However, this was not to mean that I would be breathing easy, just a bit easIER…
So I kind of muddled my way through the next 8 or so weeks with the help of my trusty doppler that was loaned to me by a very kind friend!
Once I hit about 20 wks I started to feel definite movements instead of flutterings. My placenta is at the front of my uterus which means that it was harder for me to feel these movements. Not something that I really needed to be honest! A nice back lying placenta would have been more appreciated!
So I was now hurtling head first towards my morphology scan and finding out the sex of our baby.
I honestly, up to this point, thought I was having a girl. So did a lot of the people around me. I honestly didn’t care what I was having as long as it was healthy (and believe me, when an angel mum says this, we REALLY mean it!) However, it was always in the back of my mind that boys appeared to be a much higher risk for stillbirth and SIDS. This was something that plagued me and I knew that if I was having a boy I would have to come to terms with this. It was hard to explain this to people.
We had our scan and we found a beautiful little healthy boy (of which there was no doubting it! LOL!) I was so relieved that everything was ok but I couldn’t shake the fears or statistics out of my head about having a boy. I certainly wasn’t upset or disappointed about it, it was just the knowledge that I have about boys being a higher risk that was weighing on my mind. After a couple of days of serious pondering I shook it off and embraced our little Tadpole. I knew I loved him from the minute I knew he was there and higher risk or not my love would never change. Whatever happened we love him and we gave him a name (which shall remain a surprise until his arrival).
We feverishly started to look at names and furniture and baby stuff. For the first time we felt able to do this with a reasonable degree of optimism and hope. It was really hard to get to that point though and some days we would purchase things right in the moment as we knew we might not feel the same tomorrow. Its a pattern that has stayed with us right throughout this pregnancy.
I did end up at the hospital a couple of times between 21-28 wks due to decreased fetal movements. Unfortunately until 24 weeks they can’t really do a CTG but they did their best to reassure me and told me to come back anytime I was concerned. I have certainly taken them up on that offer a few times since then!
I ended up in hospital a couple of times due to hypoglycaemia, which was extremely scary for me but luckily the baby was absolutely fine. I just had to be a lot more careful about monitoring myself and my food intake (which had fallen due to loss of appetite) so I upped the ante and ate lots of healthy stuff and made sure I was at the right levels before I went to bed. Touch wood I haven’t had a problem for a while.
I was now hurtling towards week 28-29. This was a huge thing to deal with as Lachlan passed away at 28wks 5 days and was born at 28wks 6days. I spent this week making friends with my doppler again and I saw my ob twice in this week, which he was absolutely fine with. I was stressed out of my brain and I woke up a couple of times thinking I was having a hypoglycaemic episode due to my diabetes but found I was actually having a serious panic attack. It was a very harrowing week full of stress and anxiety.
Having made it past that gestation I was now in unchartered territory. I can’t really remember being this pregnant with KJ as it was quite a while ago now and I was so blase and innocent about his pregnancy.
I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant. I’m carrying a baby that is a lot bigger that KJ was and experiencing a lot of things that I haven’t had before like awful pelvic and back pain. However, I don’t care! I have a healthy thriving little chubba bubba in there who I can’t wait to meet.
I’ve had my share of panic attacks while purchasing things. I couldn’t purchase nappies or a car seat until recently as the thought of it made me hyperventilate in the middle of Target a few times. I struggled to buy my breastfeeding tops and bras. Its been very difficult somedays.
I wanted to share an honest account of a rainbow pregnancy with you as all to often people think that once you are pregnant again its all good. Its far from it really. Its a time of great stress and worry and anxiety, coupled with guilt as you struggle to love and embrace this new life growing inside you while wishing your angel was still with you. I find it hard to reconcile the fact that had I not lost Lachlan I wouldn’t be having Taddy, and thats a really hard thing to think about.
A rainbow baby does not “fix” the hurt and pain you have been through. A lot of people seem to think it does, and I can’t understand how they can think that. As I sit here writing this, the pain of losing Lachlan is still with me. I’m feeling new life kicking inside me and looking at my Lachlan’s things on the shelf and thinking of how unfair it is that he isn’t here.
I am so in love with our three little men, KJ, Lachlan and Taddy. I can’t wait to meet Taddy in a few weeks time. I’m hoping that once he arrives the band of anxiety around my chest may ease and I might be able to breathe again (with the help of the multiple breathing monitors I have purchased for him!). I tell him everyday how much I love him and can’t wait to meet him and he kicks me so I know he’s heard me. Until he is safely in my arms, people can tell me all they like to stay positive, but they have no idea of the anxiety or the knowledge I live with everyday. Not all babies survive and once you know this first hand, you cannot simply forget it.
I must send a special thank you out to my family and friends, you know who you are. Hubby and I could not have got this far without your love, support and positive thoughts that we know you’ve been sending our way. I am so touched that we have so many people that care for us, our boys and our little Taddy. We are so very lucky to have you all in our lives.
Please stay tuned for the news of Taddy’s arrival, I can’t wait to share my rainbow with you, no matter what happens…