A few of my dear friends were all pregnant at the same time as me.
After I lost Lachlan I really wasn’t sure how I would cope when they had their babies.
As you can understand, of course I would be happy for them, but at the same time I was so sad for me.
As the babies started to arrive, from about 1 week after I lost Lachlan, it really hurt so much. I was so happy for them, I really was! I cried tears of joy that they had got their happy endings. Any baby that gets to be born healthy is such a gift and a joy to hear. Its so difficult though, because you have so many emotions. Each baby born is also like a nail to the heart, because its so not fair! All I could think is “why does so & so get their baby and I don’t get mine?’
Its one of the hardest things in life, and one of the biggest questions: why do some people lose their babies and others don’t? Why does that pregnant 16yr old who smokes and drinks and genuinely doesn’t give a fuck about their kid get to have a healthy baby and I don’t get mine? Why does that heroin addict have a baby who is born sick and addicted to methadone but yet the poor baby still lives? Its one of the biggest most frustrating things ever, I lost my baby, yet others still get to have theirs.
Its hard not to be bitter and twisted about the whole thing. But on the whole, even though I am going through such a horrendous ordeal and coming to terms with losing my baby, it just wasn’t in me to be mad or resent any of my friends having their babies. I am genuinely happy for each and every one of them, because let me tell you, I would NEVER wish this pain upon my worst enemy. There are already far too many people in this world who know the pain of losing a child, and I am just relieved that none of my friends have ever had to go through this, and I pray fervently that they never will.
I know it was hard for them too, they had to share their joy with me whilst knowing how much it must have hurt me. That can’t have been an easy thing to do, because generally we don’t like to hurt our friends.
Today I went up to hospital to see a friends baby. It was a HUGE milestone for me, I haven’t really seen a newborn since Lachlan died. Walking through those hospital doors was really crippling. I had to go and sit in the hospital chapel for a few moments to gather my strength.
I was determined to do it though, I don’t want to be “scared” of seeing babies anymore. It was a fear I needed to face and I wanted to try with this baby because I knew my friend would understand if I didn’t make it up to her room and went home.
As I walked through the maternity ward towards my friends room, I saw a little humidicrib in the hallway and I could see into some of the rooms. All the mothers were there, holding their babies. It was really tough to see. How I wish that was me, holding Lachlan alive and well. What I wouldn’t give to have that! I was envious of all of them. As I walked down the hallway to my friends room, I was really scared. What if I lost it and broke down? I didn’t want to upset her, as she had just had a baby and would be emotional and hormonal herself. I took a deep breath and entered the room. The first thing I saw was her Dad and then her little boy who is 3. A feeling of peace came over me and I was ok! I saw baby E on the bed and I’m not sure if it was because she is a girl that it just didn’t effect me as much as I thought it would.
I picked her up and gave her a big cuddle. I felt teary, but elated that I could do this!
I had taken my camera up with me, as I wanted something to do in case it got too much for me, so I just focused on taking some lovely pictures that my friend could cherish forever. I hope she liked them!
So today I did something that scared me, and I came out the other side. I am proud of myself, it took guts and a lot of courage to do this.
Its another step forward in this awful process of grief.
I can’t wait to tell my counsellor, I will get a big gold star! LOL!