One of the things I have found really hard since Lachlan died is my faith and views on life that have been turned upside down and inside out.
I went through a phase in my early twenties when I had a lot of questions about life and I searched for a lot of answers.
I finally reached a stage where I was happy in myself and my beliefs and now I feel like I am back at square one again.
The death of a child for me meant the death of everything I thought I knew and every belief I have. After speaking to a lot of other angel mummies, I know that I am not alone in this dilemma.
I am a Christian. I believe in God and after struggling for so long with church and the judgements and utter hypocrisy of its members, I decided I wouldn’t go anymore and I would focus on my own personal relationship with God. I had many bad experiences at various churches with several member who were just utter “bible bashers” and were living a life of hypocrisy, who were not very Christian in their views and judgements of people and who condemned me for a lot of things in my life because of their interpretation of the bible. As far as I’m concerned, the bible is not a tool to use against people, and that is how so many Christians use it. As far as I’m concerned, the bible was written by men, and men are fallible. I believe in the principles of the bible and many a time when I needed some comfort I found it in scripture, but I do not believe in bashing bibles or using it against people!
I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that God would be ok with that. So after trying to stick with it for a few years and giving other churches a go, I found the same thing everywhere I went. So I left and gave up church for good.
Instead, I found a way to be a Christian that I believe is what God wanted. I reached a point in my life where I was happy with my relationship with Him and we had a pretty good thing going, or so I thought.
My first thought when Lachlan died was “why?”. Why had God done this to me? Did he hate me so much and think that I was a horrible person so He took my baby away?
I am really struggling here. I desperately hang on to the thought that my baby is in Heaven with all the other angels and having a wow of a time. It keeps me sane. I just can’t reconcile myself to think that this life is all we have, there must be life after death, I just can’t think of the alternative, it freaks me out!
I am really angry. I am angry at God. I am angry at myself and I am really angry that my Lachlan isn’t here. It’s not a nice thing to live with everyday.
People have said some very well-meaning things to me, but in my anger I just can’t bring myself to be nice about it.
“Aren’t you lucky to have your own guardian angel?” - no I don’t feel lucky to have a guardian angel, let’s make one of your kids an angel and see how bloody lucky you feel!
No I am not happy that my baby is in heaven, he should be here with me where he belongs!
I used this at Lachlan’s funeral – ”The angel wrote down your baby’s birth, then closed the book and whispered “too precious for this Earth” - I hate that bloody angel, how dare they! Who said they could take my baby!
For now, God and I are not on speaking terms. Hmph!
i feel you Kirstie, i really do hon xoxox been there, brought the shirt
i have no real words of advice, its such a personal struggle and you have to come to your own conclusions. In the end i decided its a matter of faith. God is bigger than you or me, and as such his plans are often incomprehensible to us (which really sucks if you’re as much a control freak as me), we are just required to have faith in his love.
im not sure when i’ll ever be able to open my heart enough to trust and lean on God again, but i do know he loves us xoxo
Thanks Kath, I’m sure I will find my back eventually, I’m just too angry at the moment. xx