One of the things I have found really hard since Lachlan died is my faith and views on life that have been turned upside down and inside out.
I went through a phase in my early twenties when I had a lot of questions about life and I searched for a lot of answers.
I finally reached a stage where I was happy in myself and my beliefs and now I feel like I am back at square one again.
The death of a child for me meant the death of everything I thought I knew and every belief I have. After speaking to a lot of other angel mummies, I know that I am not alone in this dilemma.
I am a Christian. I believe in God and after struggling for so long with church and the judgements and utter hypocrisy of its members, I decided I wouldn’t go anymore and I would focus on my own personal relationship with God. I had many bad experiences at various churches with several member who were just utter “bible bashers” and were living a life of hypocrisy, who were not very Christian in their views and judgements of people and who condemned me for a lot of things in my life because of their interpretation of the bible. As far as I’m concerned, the bible is not a tool to use against people, and that is how so many Christians use it. As far as I’m concerned, the bible was written by men, and men are fallible. I believe in the principles of the bible and many a time when I needed some comfort I found it in scripture, but I do not believe in bashing bibles or using it against people!
I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that God would be ok with that. So after trying to stick with it for a few years and giving other churches a go, I found the same thing everywhere I went. So I left and gave up church for good.
Instead, I found a way to be a Christian that I believe is what God wanted. I reached a point in my life where I was happy with my relationship with Him and we had a pretty good thing going, or so I thought.
My first thought when Lachlan died was “why?”. Why had God done this to me? Did he hate me so much and think that I was a horrible person so He took my baby away?
I am really struggling here. I desperately hang on to the thought that my baby is in Heaven with all the other angels and having a wow of a time. It keeps me sane. I just can’t reconcile myself to think that this life is all we have, there must be life after death, I just can’t think of the alternative, it freaks me out!
I am really angry. I am angry at God. I am angry at myself and I am really angry that my Lachlan isn’t here. It’s not a nice thing to live with everyday.
People have said some very well-meaning things to me, but in my anger I just can’t bring myself to be nice about it.
“Aren’t you lucky to have your own guardian angel?” - no I don’t feel lucky to have a guardian angel, let’s make one of your kids an angel and see how bloody lucky you feel!
No I am not happy that my baby is in heaven, he should be here with me where he belongs!
I used this at Lachlan’s funeral – ”The angel wrote down your baby’s birth, then closed the book and whispered “too precious for this Earth” - I hate that bloody angel, how dare they! Who said they could take my baby!
For now, God and I are not on speaking terms. Hmph!