DH & I have never struggled to conceive, but I know a lot of dear friends who certainly have.
We were really lucky with both of our boys. When we decided to start trying for a family it was in April 2009. I was due to get my implanon implant outand I said to hubby “why don’t I just leave it out and lets see what happens?” He happily agreed and so began our journey into the world of pregnancy! One month later, BANG! I was pregnant with our beautiful first born son KJ.
Once I got pregnant, I met a lot of mums in Dubai andwe all had that conversation of “how long did it take you to conceive?” I was totally shocked at how many poor mummies had taken years to finally conceive. I dreaded being asked that question because I felt terrible that it had taken us no time at all! I was certainly a minority in our group.
This was further compounded when we moved back to Australia and I watched a few of my dearest friends really struggling to conceive. Then I felt even worse when, despite the odds being against us with my hubby away all the time, we conceived Lachlan first go on KJ’s 1st Birthday. I felt so awful telling my friends I was pregnant when I knew I had the thing they wanted the most and I had got it so easily.
Now the tables have turned. I lost my baby and now all my friends are getting pregnant and I am really struggling to deal with it. DH & I decided pretty much straight away that we wanted to try again.
Watching babies being born after Lachlan died was a dreadful heartache, it just kept slapping me in the face that I had lost my baby and I was no longer pregnant and that dream for me was over. My baby boy had gone forever.
We know we can never replace ourdarling boy but we still have that big dream of wanting a sibling for KJ. It was a difficult decision and we waited until we got the all clear from our ob/gyn and spent many a night discussing it before we decided to try again. Hearing people complaining about pregnancy ailments just compounds my grief, because I would give anything, ANYTHING, to be feeling those things right now and I would gladly have any morning sickness, sore back, muscle aches, fat feet and fingers you can throw my way! I now know how my friends felt when I complained to them about these things and I feel deeply ashamed of my insensitivity. (I will also never again ask someone if they plan on having any more children as I know what a loaded question that can be for some people.)
Its such a hard thing though. I am worried people might think we are “over” the loss of our baby, because that is certainly not the case. I am worried people might think that wedon’t need support anymore, when we will actually need their support more than ever. Getting pregnant is only half the battle here, once that little line appears on that pregnancy test, we have a HUGE road ahead of us that will be exciting, yet utterly terrifying at the same time. Every single moment will be spent wondering if we are going to get a healthy, breathing, screaming baby at the end of the road.
And it doesn’t matter what anyone says, lightening can strike twice and we will be holding our breaths the entire time.
But thats something we have to look forward to once pregnancy is achieved. At the moment, it just doesn’t seem that time is with us. Hubby is not here when I need him to be and I am getting extremely frustrated! The agonising wait of trying to fall pregnant is something I am just beginning to understand. I really think that those women who have been waiting for years should get a bloody medal! I really don’t know how they do it. I am guessing with a lot of unspoken grief, heartache and countless tears. And my heart just breaks for them.
I am hoping beyond hope that it will happen really soon, I so desperately want a baby to hold in my arms, they are still aching with emptiness at the loss of Lachlan. It just seems so unfair to me that we conceived so easily before and now I feel like we are being kicked while still on the ground. Why do things have to be so difficult when we have been through so much already? It just seems so unfair, and my heart breaks for all my angel mummies who are still struggling to conceive since they had their angel babies. Its like having your heart ripped out of your chest and then just for good measure, someone comes along and runs over it with a mack truck a couple of times. Gee thanks a lot!
For now, along with all the other lessons I have learnt, I am having to learn the art of patience, something that has never been a strong point for me! Dammit!