(Before I begin, I just want to say that grief is an extremely personal thing. No one else ever has the right to tell you how your grieving should be done. This is simply MY personal blog about MY personal journey.)
Someone asked me today if writing these blogs has helped me. I have to say yes, absolutely, without a doubt!
I know there are a lot of blogs out there, but I am hoping that by being so public in my blog that I may be able to reach that one woman who is really struggling and needs some help. If I can help just one person, then I will be happy, more would be nice of course! I just want people to know that they aren’t the only ones out there and they are not alone.
These past few weeks have been ones of revelations for me.
I have realised that although Lachlans death is a horrible and terrible tragedy, I will not let it consume me. I don’t think its fair to Lachlan or myself. I don’t want him looking down on me and thinking “gee my mum is a cranky cow!!” I want him to be proud of me and I want to start working on his legacy.
One the amazing things that Lachlan has done for me is he has bought me the ability to do the one thing that was stopping me from reaching my dream. I shall explain:
When I was younger, I used to think that being a good friend meant taking on all your friends problems and making them your own. I would always be carrying everyone else’s emotional baggage. I think that by doing this, it meant that I could ignore my own problems. I now realise that a good friend doesn’t need to do this. You can be empathetic and sympathetic and be there for them when they need you, but taking on their problems is no way to help them.
I always wanted to be a counsellor. However, since Lachlan died, I now realise what was holding me back from this dream. I would have always bought my work home with me and I would have collapsed under the weight of everyones issues. Since Lachlan died, I have met an amazing group of women who are also Mums of Angels. I now realise that once upon a time, their stories would have absolutely broken me. Now I understand that whilst they are my friends and I care for them deeply, their grief is simply not mine to bear. Their angels are their own and even though I always think of them and ways I can help them, I also know that I cannot carry their loads for them. It wouldn’t help them or me. (That is not to say that I don’t wish everyday I could take their pain away.)
I will always be grateful to my darling son for bringing me this gift. He has enabled me to realise and reach for my dream, I want to become a counsellor and help mums (and dads) like me.
I know that my grief is still so new and raw, but I think I am starting to come terms with it. The anger is subsiding and although the hurt is still there, I am starting to learn to live around it. Good days are starting to outweigh the bad. I can’t take all the credit for this, I have a lot of people to thank. I hope they all know who they are. The bottom line is, Lachlan didn’t get to live his life, but I owe it to him to live mine. I will always grieve for him, but I will not let my grief rule my life anymore.
Thats not to say that I won’t have my bad days, of course I will! I am not expecting everything to magically fix itself like it does in the movies, I am simply making a conscious decision that I hope I can stick to!
I will still think about and write about my little lost boy, but I know that I also have a bright future and hopefully a long life ahead of me, I’m soooo not done yet!!!
There is still a long road ahead of us, but I say BRING IT ON!